I have been debating whether or not I would keep updating my blog now that Luna is gone, but I selfishly have become very dependent on this process of writing. There is something so therapeutic about writing down what is going on because you have to know what you are feeling well enough to explain it.
I thank all of you for taking the time to read this blog because part of this is just knowing that the people around me know what is going through my head. I don’t always articulate myself in person very well and sometimes the awkwardness of the moment makes me anxious. Being a pretty straightforward person, I have a hard time when I am expected to make assumptions in a conversation with someone. If I could trust everyone to just say exactly what they mean and be clear about their expectations in return, maybe I would be better at it. Anyway, long story short, I really am thankful for this opportunity to be open, honest and clear about how I am doing.
In short, some days are better than others. It’s only been a couple of days, but already my emotions are proving to be pretty unstable. We came down from such a high on Friday night where we got to see our girl and had such a feeling of spiritual closeness to each other and God. Now we are being reminded of what we could have had if Luna was healthy and we miss it.
It’s the little things really. I feel like I can handle the big things, but something as small as calling MJ “baby girl” can set me off because we had started calling her “big girl” in anticipation of the new baby. Or the smell of hospital on my clothes because it is so reminiscent of when I brought my other babies home.
It’s kind of a testament to the tendency of the human heart to wander because it really takes very little to make me forget that there is a greater plan in all this. But if I take more than a millisecond to think about things, I feel peace knowing that our life is in the hands of a sovereign, righteous and loving God. I realize that I have already been blessed with more than I deserve and even if I never get anything I want from here on out, I will still rejoice because what I truly want is what God wants.
And as we move from here, I will be able to post pictures of all the little things we are doing to remember our baby Luna and those things – even thinking of those things – remind me that my time without Luna and without my brother Jake is short compared to the time I will get to spend with them in heaven. Praise God for giving us these huge hearts with huge emotions so we can spend eternity pouring out our love and worship for him.
The first memorial was Bo’s idea entirely. We gave him a few ideas, but he was so excited about putting out a “flag” that was very specific. It says “We love you Luna! You’re in heaven now!” My sister jumped right on it and it was up before Friday afternoon. Bo also wanted to make sure she didn’t tie down the bottom of the flag because he wanted it to “flap and flap and flap.”