I have been staring at this screen for what feels like forever. There is no pretty way to say that we saw no heartbeat on the ultrasound today.
God orchestrates things in amazing ways. I thought it would be nice to bring the kids….well, not nice (because they are kids and they can make going places very difficult) but it would be nice for Bo to see Luna. Five minutes into our wait in the waiting room, I was kicking myself because both kids were acting like lunatics. Ha. Lunatics. I never thought about that word before…
We had prepared Bo for the possibility of not seeing a heartbeat and what that would mean. He was fascinated by the technology and all the colors on the screen. That helped to distract me just a little from the fact that I wasn’t seeing a heartbeat.
The tech seemed every upset. I am not sure anyone prepared her. When Patrick asked about the heartbeat, she looked a little flustered and asked if it was okay if the doctor talked to us about that. I told her that was fine and that we have been preparing for weeks for this possibility and that it was okay.
When she left, we told Bo that there was no heartbeat and that meant that Luna wasn’t alive anymore. He processed for a moment and then tears filled his eyes and he bawled. That was difficult, but we talked about how Luna was okay because her Uncle Jakey was up there taking care of her. He calmed down a bit and got distracted by the goo on my belly.
We asked Bo to tell the doctor what we had told him and he told the doctor very confidently that Luna was in heaven now. That her body was still in my belly, but she was in heaven. We discussed some details and left. As we walked out the door, Bo picked up a floor mat and threw it against the wall. He said he was angry. Patrick and I joke that we saw him go through all the stages of grief in ten minutes.
When he started crying again in the car, we asked if we could pray and make him feel better. This is what we prayed, “God please pick up our Luna and give her a big kiss for mommy and a big kiss for daddy. Please give her a big kiss for Maggie and a hundred kisses for her big brother Bo.” Bo didn’t believe that God had really kissed her at first, but eventually I think it made both him and Patrick feel better.
I feel really backward today. David was a mess before his son died – fasting and praying and wailing, but when his son died, he got up and got dressed. So I feel backward because I am a mess today. And probably will be for a while. Thank God I can be surrounded by family now because a full house is a happy house for me.
But in one of my sloppy moments, I was blubbering like a crazy person and Bo asked me why I was sad. I said it was because I wasn’t going to get to hold or kiss or meet Luna.
“But mommy…you will! You just have to wait a while. You’ll meet her in heaven.”
Lessons from a three-year-old. Then, “Uncle Bubba will take care of her.”
God is good all the time. Even in this. Even in this experience and the heart-wrenching days and weeks to come. Even as I labor to deliver a baby that I won’t get to take home. Even as I recover from that delivery with no newborn to cuddle. God is good. And He will use this in ways I cannot imagine.