So, it has been a week and I don’t feel that much different. There are up days and down days…more like up moments and down moments. Moments of perfect incomprehensible peace and moments of unreasonable confusion.
I’ve surprised myself in a few different ways this week. First of all, I expected to react with great jealousy when people announce their pregnancies but I am just so happy for a healthy baby for ANYBODY that I can’t be jealous. After I had Bo, I was so envious of everyone who got pregnant – I had just had a baby and I was really missing carrying that baby in my belly. So I am really surprised at how happy for other people I am. But I really am happy for them and I relish the opportunity to rejoice in a healthy pregnancy and baby. I know I don’t get to have that experience myself this time around, but I am glad that other people do.
The other thing that surprises me is my negative reaction to most people before they even say or do anything. When I originally started telling people about Luna’s Turner Syndrome diagnosis, many of my family and friends who have experienced similar loss warned me about all the hurtful things people would say in the name of comfort. They warned me not to be too upset or too worried about it because they are really trying to make me feel better even if they are saying something completely stupid. So I was (I thought) prepared to respond to these things with patience, grace and understanding…but it is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. Honestly, I have a cynical attitude before anyone even says anything. That is my sinful self acting out like a child because I didn’t get what I want.
It is weird to miss someone you never really met. Luna and I had an intimate connection for five months, and I never got to see the girl she would become. But I miss her. Then I think about how blessed I was to know her the way I did because I knew her in ways no one else could.
She loved chocolate. She would kick and punch and roll every time I ate chocolate. She was a night owl and would kick me awake at night to go pee and give her more room in her tiny cramped space. Her favorite thing was church – between the praise music and the preaching, she was dancing the whole service long. I swear she would react most to the parts of the sermon that were most challenging to me. Like she was shouting out “Amen!” or “Alleluia!” in response to a powerful sermon. She loved hearing Bo talk to her and he did every day saying, “I love you, Luna. You’re the best baby in the whole world!” She was totally a contrary Hansbrough because she was adamant about making me sleep on my right side even though all the books tell pregnant women to sleep on their left side. If I wanted to sleep, it had to be my right side. She was totally Korn too because she loved music and she played my ribs like a harp.
My husband didn’t get to experience Luna that way. No one did. Just me. What an incredible blessing.
Patrick expressed how we are feeling best this afternoon. “I feel like a small percentage of myself.”
Something is so clearly missing in this picture. But if you squint really hard you can convince yourself that it’s all there. Then all your squinting gives you a headache and you have to face the empty space again. Up and down.
Again, thank you for your prayers and love and support. Please keep it coming.
They came and planted our Luna tree today. It’s an Okame cherry tree and we are already excited for March (when Luna was due) to see the tree bloom like crazy. It will be gorgeous and pink and blossoming for a short time – just like our Luna Baby. Pictures to come.