The phrase “a return to normalcy” was a slogan coined by some presidential candidate (Harding, maybe?) following World War I. The Great War. While this war was going on, the world thought it was the epitome of horrific wars – the war to end all wars. And the American people wanted nothing more than to feel normal again. And maybe they did feel like things were going back to normal. Until World War II.
In the past week, I have started to feel closer to that normal. Patrick and I had been staying in our first floor spare room (Jake’s room) so that I didn’t have to go up and down so many stairs and we returned to our bedroom Monday. After my washer broke and we bought a new one, I had a renewed drive to keep house and do laundry. I even made the executive decision to put real pants on at least one day this week instead of living in my sweats.
But I can’t help but feel like something else lurks on the horizon. It’s in our nature as women to worry and fret over little things, right? Maybe. But shouldn’t it be more my nature as a believer to hand it all over to God and trust Him with it?
I feel like I have successfully handed Luna over to God, but I am battling with the idea that I have to hand everything over to Him. It’s like I am saying to God, “I gave you Luna, now you have to leave the rest of my life alone.” Like he doesn’t have my permission to do what He wants with my life because he already made one difficult decision for me. What if I can’t have more children? What if something happens to Patrick? Or Bo or Maggie? What if, what if, what if?
It’s the same as the feeling we all have when we’re going through something to feel like people have to be extra nice to us as we grieve. So we feel double slighted when people make our grief about them or make it more difficult for us because of their lack of understanding. We are not entitled to anything – even consideration from people we call our friends. Even a break from life. Even mercy from God when we are in the midst of something difficult. Even a return to normalcy -EVER.
And if I am being honest, I don’t think I want normal. When things were normal, I took life for granted. When things were normal, I had no idea how blessed I was. When things were normal, I had no perspective on God’s plan for my life. When things were normal, I was self absorbed and focused on my plan for my life instead of God’s plan for my life.
I pray only that God would give me faith strong enough to entrust him with my WHOLE life. Faith enough to rejoice in all circumstances. Yes, ALL circumstances. And I am thankful that I could learn this lesson and thankful that I could teach this lesson to my children now instead of later. Thankful for this opportunity to share my heart with all of you.
As we prepare our hearts to celebrate the birth of our Savior, I can’t stop thinking about how Jesus chose to become human. He chose to be born into a life like mine. He chose a life of physical and emotional pain. A life full of earthly sorrow and loss. And why? So that one day I could choose an eternity in heaven with Him. An eternity free of physical and emotional pain. An eternity free of sorrow and loss. An ETERNITY with the child and brother I have already lost.
So whatever God ordains for my life is worth it. Not because I get that eternity in heaven, but because my God is faithful and merciful and just. He is worthy of my trust. Worthy of my FULL and TOTAL trust. Pray with me that we can all give ourselves over to Him completely especially now in this Advent season.