Please tell me I’m not alone here, but at the end of my first trimester, I get this obnoxious case of anxiety. Sometimes I feel like everyone else is celebrating because they can finally keep down food and they feel somewhat normal again. But not me.
This has happened with every pregnancy to some extent, but definitely in the last two pregnancies after losing Luna. I hate leaving the first trimester.
When all those awful first trimester symptoms disappear – the nausea, the fatigue, the intense moodiness and the constant need to pee – I don’t find myself feeling better. I find myself worried that since I no longer FEEL pregnant, I must not BE pregnant anymore.
And maybe I don’t need to pee constantly anymore, but I still go to the bathroom as often as I can to make sure I don’t have any spotting or bleeding. To check and make sure that nothing is happening. It’s too early for me to feel the baby moving so I have no way to know unless something happens.
I very nervously wonder if I could somehow change my next OB appointment to a little sooner so I can hear a heartbeat. I count down the days until that doc takes that little box, squirts some goo on my belly and attempts to find the swish-swish-swish of a tiny heart. And I am practically in tears waiting for them to find it. I seriously consider buying myself my own doppler to check myself…weekly…daily…maybe three times a day…alright…whenever I can.
That moment when they find the heartbeat is the first time I’ve really breathed since the end of my first trimester. It’s like that tiny swish swish is the air being let out of a giant balloon in my chest and I can finally breathe.
So if you see me between now and my next appointment in two weeks, please know that my puffed up chest is not pride or snobbiness or anything. It really is just a case of anxiety and if I seem a little distracted, please know that I’m just praying. Constantly asking God to calm my heart and to help me trust Him more. Fervently asking for His protection over my tiny baby and praying for that tiny swish swish in two weeks.